Infinitesimal version the second


Some days I really hate my life. This is one of them.

Jason makes me feel like I'm a bad person. I don't think he means to do it on purpose but it doesn't matter, it happens anyway. I'm so upset right now that I keep thinking about killing myself. Don't worry, I wouldn't ever. I'm too much of a chicken to go through with it. But thinking about it makes me feel better. Praying to God to let me please die now makes me feel better too.

I don't know what happened. We went to the movies and had a great time. Greg kept calling on my cell during the movie so I finally turned it off. When we got out of the movie I pulled out my phone to call Greg back to see what he wanted. He wasn't home so I left a message and then tried to check my voicemail only for some reason it wouldn't let me. Jason made some smart comment and I told him to shut up. Finally I got my voicemail to work and got my messages from Greg. Nothing life threatening so I was relieved (you just never know with him.) Jason was really cold to me the whole way home. He wouldn't talk to me. I kept asking if he was mad and he said no. When I went to kiss him goodnight he turned his cheek to me instead. It hurt so bad to be treated like that. I felt so small. Like a fucking insect or something repulsive. When I told him I loved him he said ok, see ya later. I felt so horrible. I must have done something wrong, right? It must have been me because he was fine one minute and then he wasn't so it has to be me, right? Something is really fucked up with me, right?

So, I called him at home a little while later. He said he feels like sometimes we're not compatible. He says this a lot. I asked him what brought it on this time. He said cuz I must not have a good time with him if I have to call Greg soon as we get out of the movies. I told him he misinterpreted that, he says not. Whatever. He's always right, I'm always wrong. But, I don't want to lose him. I don't want to be without him. I don't want to be by myself again. And it hurts thinking about it. It hurts thinking that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I've tried to be the person he wants. I try so hard. I don't know what else to do. He says he doesn't want me to change but then lists all this stuff about me that annoys him. He says he's not mad at me but that sometimes he feels like we're just friends and not a real couple because we don't act like other couples do. He likes to make out in public, I don't. Excuse me if I have some sense of modesty motherfucker. So what if I don't want to be groped in public? I don't think thats such a big fucking deal. Sometimes I think I want to break up but I don't want to be without him either. Then I won't have anyone.

I've never had someone tell me they love me until Jason. And I don't know what I'd do without that anymore.

serena was here @ 11:04 PM


It feels like it's been forever since I blogged but it's only been a few days. I guess it's just because so much has happened.

Work has been driving me up the wall. I swear I almost broke down in tears today. I kept jokingly telling everyone that I was going to go home and commit ritual suicide. Gah. I am SO glad that I'll be on vacation next week. And the week after that. XD

The trip to Cedar Point is coming up really fast. I can't wait. I think we'll have a great time. Of course my brother is going and he can be a major pain in the ass (he invited himself along). We can always ditch him on the side of the road somewhere in Ohio if he gets on our nerves too much. ^_~

There are so many things that I want to do during my week off after the trip. I doubt I'll get to any of it. That's usually how things work out.

The Maryland Rennaisance Festival is open now. I'm excited. Jason and I are planning to go the weekend after the Cedar Point weekend. And it just so happens that that weekend is Scottish weekend! *dances around thinking about guys in kilts* I'm taking my camera dammit. XD

serena was here @ 5:46 PM


I'm sooo glad I have off work today. I've been spending most of the day working on a photo manip which I posted up at dev. art.

I'm supposed to be hanging out with Jason tonight. I'll be happy to spend time with him, of course, but I feel like I have so much stuff to do and I only have until five thirty to get it done because then we'll be together. I just don't really want to be with anyone today. I want to relax by myself.

Care Bear is back from the cruise. Jason and I stopped over her house last night. She bought me a Hello Kitty doll from Epcot Center in Florida. She's so cute! She's in a kimono and just the most adorable little stuffed animal ever! *coos in delight*

I went to walmart and got two new barbies for my collection. Princess of the Vikings and Princess of Japan. They are both ubercool and now I must reorganize my shelf again.

Jason, Care Bear and I went out to White Marsh to go shopping. Care Bear said she had been deprived of anime for the past two weeks and was in need of a fix so we took her to the anime store. I was wearing the Furuba shirt that Jason bought me and the girl in the store loved it so we got to talking about anime a bit. Care Bear bought nothing but I got the OST's for Haibane Renmei (which I had been looking for) and Wolf's Rain. Wee.

We also stopped at Ikea and I molested my chair for a bit. I want that chair so bad. I'm seriously considering getting rid of my bed. Maybe when I get back from Ohio I'll redo my bedroom.

So much stuff...gah.

Oreo cookies good. Fire bad. XD *hands ki-chan an oreo*


serena was here @ 2:32 PM


*munch munch munch*

I love you Oreo cookie.

*munch munch munch*

serena was here @ 12:28 AM


I'm getting ready to go out to dinner with Dawn. Jason doesn't want to hang today. Oh well.

My parents are eating steamed crabs for dinner. I don't really like crabs that much. Most people around here gasp in shock and horror when I say that, being a Baltimore native and all that, but I just don't care. Screw them.

I still feel depressed. I don't know what to do really, but for now I'm going to hang out with Dawn and try to feel better.

Work was crazy today and that didn't really help matters. I'm going insane from that place.

I can't wait for my vacation to come in September.

serena was here @ 6:49 PM


I feel really depressed lately. I don't know why. I think it's just a funk I'm in or something. I get happy for moments but theres always this underlying sad feeling. It kinda feels like I should be doing something incredibly important but I can't remember what it is and I feel guilty for it...I don't think that's whats happened, it just feels that way.

Well, a bright spot. The Ikea catalogue came the other day and my chair was in there! I got all excited and showed my mom. She wasn't as excited as I was.

I don't feel like dealing with work. The place is pissing me off. Some people that work there *coughTheresacough* really need to to bring thier short little ass down from thier high horse. Bitch. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.


I was sick Tuesday and stayed home from work. I don't know why, but I didn't have any appetite at all. It could be related to *that* time of the month, I guess. It was especially brutal this time around.

When I went into work yesterday afternoon I couldn't breathe right for some reason. I was really short of breath and kept wheezing. Keith kept asking me if I was ok. At one point he said I had lost all color and my nose was turning blue. I felt that way for about five hours and then I started feeling better. Now I feel fine, pretty much. I don't know what the hell that was all about.

serena was here @ 11:32 PM


Gah. I'm sick today so I stayed home from work. So...tired.

The con was great but not as much fun as I'd hoped it be. I guess it just wasn't the same without Carrie. She always shops with me and encourages me to buy tons of stuff. *sniff*

Through half the convention I kept getting ditched by my boyfriend (and for a while it seemed as if Richard and them kept skipping out on me as well, but I understand that they had other things they wanted to do.) Jason kept leaving me to go do other things so I spent a lot of time with myself. I got really upset and started feeling depressed. (It doesn't take much.) On Saturday I got into a huge argument with him on the phone as I was coming upstairs from the dealers room with Richard and all. I screamed like a banshee and threw my phone to the ground in a fit of rage. Basically, I looked like I was insane (which I'm sure is what my friends thought at the time.) *sigh* Then I called him back and made him eat his own words. I tried to make him understand why I was so upset but he doesn't listen. He calls me insane but he has these preconceived notions in his head...if anyone is fucked up, it's him. *nods firmly* So, we made up (sorta) and the rest of the con we had a pretty good time.

I didn't really take any pictures because I'm too shy to go up to strangers and ask for thier picture. ^^;;;

Despite all that, the con did have it's good moments:

I got to meet Sophie and Kim. Wee! I got glomped!

MAT3000 was hilarious, even more so than last year.

I bought several anime dvd's I needed for my collection and a few manga and also some new pins! (I got Yuki and Tohru and Kyou and told my boyfriend I was gonna make them have a threesome, hehehehe....*sigh*)

I got to see Loki! He's cuuuuute! And Ultra Maniac! It's hilarious! *must get more*

I went to the AMV panel and met cool people that make AMV's! And during the AMV screening two AMV creator's whose videos were in the contest sat next to Jason and I. That was kinda neat. (The guy who made the one with the dogs and the guy who made the Escaflowne one to 'Glory of Love'.) There were so many great and creative videos in the contest this year, I don't know if I'll ever be that good. (Which reminds me...Richard, I have a proposition for you...don't forget to remind me.)

I watched several great movies. They played Battle Royale! Of course, I'd already seen it four times so I didn't go, although it would have been fun. There were lots of cosplayers dressed as Battle Royale peeps. Heh. They were so cool.

Talked Jason into watching J-Rock videos and was surprised at the amount of songs I knew.

I ate at Hooters with my friends and found myself in a discussion as to whether or not Hooters Girls wear underwear. Then found myself staring at random Hooters Girls' asses in an attempt to discover the truth. Of course, then I said to myself, 'Hello, Lisa, why are you staring at other girls' butts?' and stopped myself. Eheh. ^^;;; We had a good time though.

Well, that was pretty much my weekend. I felt much better at the end of it, although a little sad that the con was over.

Sunday I watched the latest three dvd's of CCS I got. Wah. It's too damn cute!

Yesterday I marathoned the whole first season set of Sailor Moon that I bought pretty much all day long. 46 eps. seems like a lot but when you fast forward all the stupid monster fights and transformations it goes by pretty fast. ^___^

Mee-imouto! *hugs* Don't worry about me, just concentrate on getting better!

serena was here @ 4:34 PM


Getting ready to leave for the con. Won't be back til Sunday.

serena was here @ 8:15 AM


Got back from picking up my stuff at the con. Officially things start tomorrow but those that preregistered could pick thier stuff up toningt. We had to wait in a line that snaked half way around the building for about two hours. Ah well.

I'm excited. They are showing a lot of cool stuff this year. Can't wait for tomorrow! Wee!

serena was here @ 10:42 PM

Listening to Jebus. Wee.

Getting ready for Otakon. I'm excited, but nervous also. I always get nervous, don't know why.

I need to get a bag from somewhere to pack my stuff in. Damn my cleaning! I threw out my bookbag in a fit of getting rid of things. *sigh*

Hmm. I still need to make my shopping list.

*hugs mee-imouto* Hope you get better real fast, imouto-chan.

serena was here @ 5:22 PM


Discovered a band called 'Jebus' the other day when I was on the band shoot. On the road in Essex I noticed a sticker on the back of a car that said '' so I checked out the website yesterday. They have a neat sound. I like.

Last night it stormed again. This time I managed to capture some lightning shots with my digital camera. Wee. I put them up at
deviant art.

D called this afternoon. She said she wanted to see how I was doing since she hadn't heard from me in a while. Then she asked if she could borrow some money from me. I asked her how much money we were talking about and she said however much I'm willing to lend her. Sounds fishy to me. I told her I'd think about it. I don't like lending money to people.

Off to work now. Oh joy.

serena was here @ 12:27 PM


Work was ok today. I pretty much stayed over in the Home Fashions dept and worked on bringing things up from the stockroom. At one point Keith came by and said he loved the display of sheets I put out. Yay, I'm a sheet genius. Woo.

Right now I'm listening to the soundtrack from Selena. I love that movie. I cry every time I watch it.

I'm getting ready to watch my Tuesday night lineup of shows. Wee.

I work night tomorrow. I hate working night. Ah well, at least I usually only have to do it once a week. And I get to be Manager On Duty tomorrow from 5-close so that means I get to walk around the store with a clipboard and tell everyone what to do. That's always fun. Gotta look at the bright side things.

serena was here @ 7:52 PM


Saturday's photo shoot with Mr. Black was a success. Yay. Now all I have to do is mess around in photoshop a bit with a few of the pics and then burn everything to disc for the guys. Fun.

Jason and Richard came over last night to watch Red Dwarf. Unfortunately I pooped out kinda early (about six or seven episodes into the marathon.) I guess it was because we started late and I was also tired from waking up early in the morning. Ah well.

We are having the strangest weather today. It's like we are right smack dab in between two thunderstorms. It storms, then clears up, then storms, then clears up...very annoying. I did get a couple cool shots of the clouds though. I'll probably post them up at devart later.

I haven't really done anything all day except lay on my derrier and watch tv. Heck, I didn't even get up until noon. It felt good though.

There really is a lot that I'm supposed to be doing: go through all anime related stuff and make a shopping list for Otakon, burn pics to disc for the band, clean my room. Bleeh. I don't feel like doing anything, though.

serena was here @ 5:25 PM


I talked to Greg last night on the phone for a long time and I feel a lot better now. He says Richard and him want me to hang out with them today but I sorta have plans with Jason, so I guess I'll just have to see what happens.

Today I want to:

Talk to Jason and get things resolved.

Go up to the flarmers market and secretly photograph the amish there.

Go to Fort Howard to take loverly photographs.

Go to Walmart (or Best Buy) and get more memory sticks for my camera.

Hopefully today will be a lot better than yesterday. And you know what? I've decided that even if Jason and I break up (eventually), even if it turns out these last three and a half years were nothing but a waste of time, I'm not going to be upset dammit.

He's so fucking psycho sometimes. We're not compatible? Why the fuck have we been going out for three and a half years for then? Just because I do some little thing that annoys him we're not compatible? You know, the problem lies with him, not me. I mean no one is one hundred percent compatible. Then you'd just be dating yourself and that would be boring. He pisses me off so much sometimes. I don't think he realizes how much he hurts me when he acts like that. *sigh*

I'm not going to dwell on it anymore. Because I've got one hellava vacation coming up and I'm going to enjoy dammit. He's not going to ruin my good time. Fuck him.

Anne, thanks for the hug. :)

serena was here @ 10:48 AM

part of the Inuyasha marathon


alias: serena
aim: serenab4
email: here
site: simplicity
fic blog: unicorn blues
also blogs at: sml


This layout features Inuyasha, the (currently slightly grouchy) character from the series of the same name. Fonts are Velvet and Redensek, brushes are from Nocturna and Brushy. This layout was coded by Sophie for the Inuyasha marathon.

Inuyasha blog marathon:



~ethereal melody
~lucid dreaming
~omnikartera whamasu
~shameless name dropping
~stream of conscious
~w n p?

~in passing...

fave comics:

~never knew
~fate martyr sapheire


~best english ever
~mr. t vs escaflowne
~fly the copter



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