Infinitesimal version the second




1/30/2003

*is sleepy*

I'm so glad I don't have to work tomorrow. Yay.

Jason and I went to the movies last night. I really didn't feel like going out right from work and it was a last minute sort of thing...I hate that. He called me at work and asked if I wanted to go see a sneak preview of this movie (his cousin works for the Maryland Film Institute so she gives him preview passes sometimes) and I told him ok because I knew that if I said no I'd have to hear him bitch about it for the rest of my life. The movie didn't start til seven-thirty but he wanted to pick me up from work at five and go right there. It only takes a half and hour to get there so we wound up having all of this time on our hands. Then he asked me if I was happy. I was like, 'In general? Or just right now?' He said in general. I told him yes. Then he starts going on about how he'd understand if I wanted to take a break from our relationship for awhile because it seemed like I wasn't happy lately and I don't spend enough time with him and I don't call him enough and I don't show that I love him enough and blah blah blah blah blah. God, he's worse than some women I know. My being happy doesn't really have anything to do with us...it just has to do with my life in general. Sure I've been depressed lately, but I'm usually that way in the winter. And he says we don't go out enough...I go out with him every weekend. I hardly see my friends anymore because I spend almost all my free time with him. I don't know what he wants from me because he talks in circles and it's very annoying. I don't want to break up with him. I love him. I see us married some day and he says he wants that too but he doesn't think that's what I want. It hurts my feelings when he says that he thinks I don't care about him. I don't know what to do. I tell him I love him every time I talk to him. I NEVER tell anyone that I love them, not even my parents. He says that's not enough. Argh. He's driving me insane. I was tired last night and I told him that and I also told him that I didn't want to be there. He always reads extra meaning behind things like that. He thinks I meant I didn't want to be there with him. I told him that's not what I meant. He says he doesn't like staying at home all the time. We never stay at home, we always go out. God, it's so frustrating. He makes me cry and I hate that. I hate feeling like this. I just wish he would stop thinking about things so much. When did life become so fucking complicated?

serena was here @ 5:50 PM



1/28/2003

American Idol rocks. I don't know why people hate Simon so much. He just tells the truth. Sure, he's blunt about it but...*shrugs*

Work was pretty good today. LaToya's still mad at me, I think, but I don't care. This is me not giving a damn. ^____^

My schedule for next week will be screwed up slightly because I have to work an overnighter on Sunday from 6pm to 3am. I was originally supposed to work day on Monday but now I'll have to work night (instead of having off like everyone else because it's a truck day and there's noone else to do the fashions except for me.) So, since I was supposed to have off Sunday I'll probably get Tuesday off because it's the only day of the week that isn't a truck day besides Saturday, but of course Saturday will be too busy so I can't have off then. *sigh* Whatever. I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.

Oh, and this is really disturbing (and you know, it's little stories like these that make me realize that my life is not so bad). A lil background info. Jim is our neighbor. Jer and K are husband and wife. Between the two of them they have five kids. I used to work with K when I worked with my dad at the warehouse. I used to babysit their children.
The other morning on the way to work my mother ever so casually said to me, "Jim told us yesterday at the bar that he heard a rumor that Jer's been pimping K out lately."
Me: WTF???? Pimping? As in....PIMPING? What the hell??? Why? Why would anyone ever do that?
Mom: I guess for drug money.
Many thoughts went through my mind at this point:
Eww...who would ever pay to sleep with that ho?
Those poor children, no wonder they are so messed up.
How sick are you to not only let other people screw your wife, but collect money from them for doing so?

And people wonder why I want to get the hell out of Dundalk (aka: White Trash Central). Really. This town is full of hillbillies...only there aren't many hills...and it's urban hillbillies. *shudders*

Anyway.....

social bloggage:

Thanks,
Meemee, for agreeing with me. ^_^

Kim, when I decide to go postal I'll give you advance notice so you can start working on the scarf. *hugs* XD

Anne, I see you are back at school. Sorry I never got around to calling you. I really wanted to see that movie with you (*droolfest 2003*) but I wasn't feeling well for a couple days and then work (let's not go there, ok?)...and Jason was busy. He had to go see some kind of thing with his brother. (I forget what it's called...something to do with Shaolin something or other? I'll have to ask him because now it's bothering me. *is irked*)

You. I still have that song in my head. XDXD But, I guess it's really my fault since I brought up Will Smith in the first place. ^^;;;

serena was here @ 10:56 PM



1/25/2003

If foul language is a problem for you, you may want to skip this post.

Let the rage begin.

I managed to piss off my boss today. There were two no call no shows and one call out...so basically work sucked ass today because it was pretty much one other girl and myself working the Entire Freakin Salesfloor. I wound up staying about an hour and a half later than I was supposed to because LaToya asked me to help out. Then she told me that C had called out and was at the hospital with chest pains (again) and that she might have to switch my off day and have me work tomorrow since C was supposed to work tomorrow and she probably will not be in. I was like 'wtf?" You don't just fucking TELL me you're going to switch my off day. You Ask Nicely And Then I Might Say Yes. I told her (rather rudely too) that I was NOT working tomorrow. Actually, I was a bit flip. If it had been my mother I had been speaking to she probably would have slapped my mouth. Oh well, screw it.

So now she's mad because I won't work tomorrow. She thanked me for staying late and added, 'I'm mad at you though.' I told her, 'I know you are.' And then I left for the day. You know what? I'm sorry, but my life does not revolve around that place. It's just a fucking job, and a shitty one at that. They pay people nothing and expect them to work their asses off and deal with People all day. And let me tell you something about People: They Suck. And these fuckers that shop at this store are always trying to make me lower the prices of things. It's not Charlie's Bargain Basement, People. It's SEARS.

I couldn't keep track of the amount of customers complaining about our 'high prices' and stuff today. LIke fourteen bucks for a bed in a bag set is not a fucking bargain. Whatever. If you don't fucking like it, fucking shop somewhere else because I'm tired of hearing it. Oh, and people are also fucking vultures. I had to take a bin full of clearance sheets out to the mall because our bin out there was getting empty and I couldn't even get it out there before people started diving in there and grabbing up the sheets. (I was surprised I made it out alive....seriously.) JC people! It's just sheets. (Hmm....may have to do cartoon of this tomorrow.)

One of these days I'm going to go Postal and it's not gonna be pretty. I can see it now...me running through the store sweeping all the folded product onto the floors and trampling on it while waving a scarf around and singing 'Fuck You You Fucking Fuck Fucks' Or something.

serena was here @ 11:45 PM



1/23/2003

Things to do tomorrow:

Clean Room. (Notice how this is always on my list? It never seems to get done...)

Work on webspace.

Work on fics.

Hmmm, it doesn't seem like a lot. I really need to go through my stuff and reorganize. I'm starting to run out of space for things. My closet is overflowing onto my bedroom floor. Grr. I need more space. Really, I just need to get my stuff together and move the hell out. *is determined to move out soon*

Ah, I'm so tired. It's so cold. The high was 20 degrees today. That's too cold for me. It's nice to snuggle up and all but this is getting to be ridiculous.

Work was ok. The yearly reviews are coming up. I always get anxious. I hope I get an ok review. Hmmm. Oh well, screw it.

*is zombified*

serena was here @ 7:04 PM



1/21/2003

Oh, what a weekend.

Friday. Went shopping. Spent money and got lots of purty clothes for work (and also season three of Buffy). Yay. Made boyfriend carry bags around. (Seriously...what else are they there for?)

Saturday. Went to see Chamber of Secrets with my brother. It was so fun to watch it with him. He was like a little kid watching it (he's actually 23, but that's like four or five in guy years). Tee-hee.

Saturday night. Party at the FOP hall with my family. My family...what can I say? Hmm...they demonstrated why white people should not attempt to dance. Although, to be fair, once they were toasted they weren't doing too bad a job of it. Or, at least it was more fun to watch. XD

The party was supposed to be for everyone's birthday that was in Jan. Yeah.....I say it was a flimsy excuse to throw a party and get drunk and crazy. Oh, and drunk they got. (They were already crazy, long before I ever knew them.) My uncles and my one uncle's best friend all got thier guitars out and pretended they were a band. Someone brought out a tambourine and then the fun really began. (Not really....that was sarcasm.) Actually, they were pretty good for a few old guys. ^__^

I talked to my cousins. I'm older and suprisingly popular among them. See, I'm popular because get to be the funny one. Cuz D is the lesbian one that's hardly ever around at parties, A is the smart and incredibly beautiful one (really she could be a model), St is the popular girl, J is the cute and corky one, Sa is the one that married young and moved away. As for the boys, S is the one that's got a good job with the government and is always sporting a different girl on his arm, Ti is the wacky one, To is the one that's always in trouble. My brother is the annoying one. K is the cute lil guy and M is the whiny one. Yeah...so all the other spots are filled...thus leaving me with 'the funny one'...a role which I enjoy.

Everyone got really wasted. Well, ok...everyone's parents got really wasted. My dad was so drunk that he thought he was at home. He took his shoes off and was walking around in his socks. It was pretty embarrassing. I turned to Jason and told him that was our cue to split.

Sunday. Buffy marathon all day long baby. I was supposed to go take pictures but I don't know what happened there since a certain person *coughrichardcough* never called me. But I had fun with Buffy.

Monday. Back to work. Mother is sick. I hope it's not contagious. Had a chat with the new store manager today. He's really great.

Some stupid customer fell on some oil over in hardware on purpose so that he can try to sue us. Idiot. They have the fake fall on tape; security was keeping an eye on him because he looked like he was up to something. What a moron.

Everything is pretty much normal.

serena was here @ 12:25 AM



1/17/2003

It's 4pm and I've accomplished nothing. Nothing. I blame you for sending me the link to that fic last night. I've been reading it all damn day. XDXD

*looks around room* I really should do something about this mess....oh well, screw it. *goes back to reading fic*

serena was here @ 4:04 PM



1/16/2003

Gah. I almost forgot to eat dinner.

Was fooling around with photoshop. I'm obsessed with drawing Witch Hunter Robin. I think it's cuz I like her hair....and those cute lil glasses that I just can't get right. Oh well. Don't know why I draw a picture (or paint in this case) then make it unrecognizable in photoshop. Maybe boredom? Hmmm.

I'm off work for the next three days. There is soooo much I have to get done tomorrow....but I'll probably end up sleeping all day anyway. XD

serena was here @ 10:27 PM



1/15/2003

Many things.

We met our new store manager today. He seems really nice and also like he wants to get right down to business and eliminate a lot of the problems that we have. I love him already.

Talked to Care Bear today. She's addicted to some kind of new game for game cube. I don't know. She says I have to see it. It sounds interesting...I guess.

Insomnia has returned. I've been sleeping less and less everyday for the past week (about four hours last night). I guess it's just payment for sleeping overly long hours the week before. *shrugs*

An old enemy rears it's ugly head. Our operation's manager is going through a really rough time. His wife is dying of cancer (she's had it for a long time now). She was in the hospital for a few weeks. They had to do some sort of operation to remove a blockage from her bowels...but the blockage was tumors. And when they removed the tumors (along with part of her intestine) there were more tumors. She came home yesterday. Some of us on staff got together and sent her some cheery spring flowers. I just feel like I can't do it anymore. I can't watch people wither away to nothing. I have to believe that there's a place better than this one.

I hope it snows.

serena was here @ 9:21 PM



1/12/2003

I'm still feeling down. Jason thinks I should go to the doctor but I don't wanna. Yuck. Me hate doctor. *bleeeh*

Yes, I realize I'm being childish but I don't really care.

Next Saturday is our two year anniversary. Woo-hoo. It doesn't seem like it's been that long. *shrugs*

Work was busy. I wound up working in shoes most of the day which is funny because I know almost nothing about shoes other than 'ooooh Sketchers!'. It wasn't that bad but now the rest of the store is a mess because I couldn't be in two places at one time.

I have a wisdom tooth coming in. I feel like I need a damn teething ring. Grrr.

I saw Charles the other day at work. He's home from Boston for a couple more days. Yay. Wish I could have talked to him more but the boss was breathing down my neck (literally) and I had to get back to work.

Anne will be going back to school soon too. Wah. I miss all of my friends. Hmm, note to self, get Esca back from Anne before she leaves for school.

Richard, don't forget about me. I still wanna take pictures. Yay.

serena was here @ 10:23 PM



1/09/2003

I feel a lot better today. My uncle called last night and I talked to him for almost two hours. He's so terrific. I wish I could see him more often, but since he moved it's been rather difficult. Plus, the rest of my family is holding some sort of stupid grudge against him about the inheritance he recieved when my grandfather died a couple of years ago. My family can be such assholes sometimes. They don't realize that life is too short to be worried about stuff like that all of the time. Grr. Anyway, I had a really nice time talking to him. I told him that Jason and I would go to see Chicago with him since Cain (his...er...husband or whatever) doesn't like going to the movies. Which reminds me, I have to call Jason. ^_^

Work was ok. It actually felt good to go back. I have off tomorrow then I work straight through til next thursday. That's because it's my turn to work the weekend and so next weekend it's my turn to have off. All of us on staff schedule have to work one weekend a month and then have off one weekend a month. I don't mind. When I was still a peon I had to work every Saturday and Sunday. At least now I only have to work one Sunday a month. Yay me.

serena was here @ 5:56 PM



1/08/2003

Despite the fact that I never graduated college (the whole reason for going in the first place) it was really one of the more pivotal times in my life. I grew up a lot in those years; mainly because I had to do things for myself for once instead of relying on others to do them for me.

A fact about me: I have social phobia. Not so bad that I stay locked up in my house surrounded by aluminum foil wallpaper…but I have a feeling it could degenerate to that point if I were to let it. And to think I work in retail, where I deal with people all day long. It’s weird…because at work I seem to be fine. But don’t ask me to call and order a pizza, because I won’t do it. I can’t stand calling up some place and talking to a stranger…I can’t stand going and doing something I have never done before. (My boyfriend knew how afraid I was of going to get my learner’s. So he tricked me to get me to go. He drove me there, parked outside and then expected me to get out of the car and go into the building and take the damn test. I was furious. I literally threw a tantrum. I refused to get out of the car so my boyfriend turned off the air and since it was so hot outside the car started to heat up rather quickly and I *had* to get out. I was so upset that I started crying…and all because I had to deal with a few strangers. Does that seem like normal behavior?) I guess because I’m afraid I’m going to look like some idiot that doesn’t know what they are doing and ultimately people will think I’m strange. Which I am, but I digress.

During college some of that changed. The first day of class was always hell for me, registering for classes, also. It took a lot of deep breaths for me to go into those situations. One of my councilors at college helped me out a lot just by listening to me. I liked to have someone to share my problems with. I’m not a very open person. I tend to keep things inside. I still do. There are just some things I can’t share with anyone that is close to me. They always judge, even when they say they aren’t. Talking to an outsider is helpful, though. They are impartial. Sometimes I wonder, though, what my friends and family would think if they knew what kinds of things go through my mind.

Anyway, that’s when the depression began. It’s very strange. I would miss class for weeks at a time because I’d be afraid to go once I missed one class. I’d lay around all day at home. This also led to my having vertigo. Too much laying around apparently threw off my sense of balance. I remember trying to walk to the mailbox once and almost passing out because I was so dizzy. Or maybe there is something really wrong with me but I’ll never know about it because I am too afraid to go to the doctor’s. This depression (or whatever it is) comes and goes. Right now I’ve called out of work for three days in a row because I just feel like I can’t deal with people right now. I need to be alone. And yet, I don’t want to be alone. And I realize that I’m being an idiot but I can’t seem to stop myself. I lie to everyone, including myself. My boss thinks I’m sick, my parents think I have vacation and my boyfriend doesn’t know anything. I know I’m a terrible person and that makes me even more miserable.

But really I’m fine. This will pass, it always does. And I’ll be back to what is normal for me in no time.

Whew.

It felt good to get that out of my system.

serena was here @ 5:30 PM



1/07/2003

Thanks you guys for the support. *hugs* I had a hard time drawing the eyes. I kept drawing them, then erasing them and then redrawing them...furuba eyes are hard. ^_^;;;

Today I watched movies. I watched 'A Beautiful Mind'. At first I was bored...then I was in awe...then I was shocked...then I was in tears...and pretty much in tears til the end of the movie. It was soooo good. Wah!

When my parents got home we watched 'The Sum of All Fears'. They had watched it yesterday but were willing to watch it again because I wanted to see it. Yeah, whatever. They were so into the movie. My mom kept yelling out things to the screen.

Mom: You'll get what's coming to you, you bastard!
Me: Er...heh. *sweatdrop*

At the beginning the main character, played by Ben Affleck, was fooling around with his girlfriend.

Mom: He looks so hot!
Dad: He looks gay.
Me: I can't watch this movie with you people!

One thing that irritated me about the movie was how everyone kept pronouncing Baltimore. Hello...if you are from Baltimore you pronounce it Bawlmore...or sometimes Bawldimore...but Never Ever like Ball-Tea-More. I can see the people from out of town pronouncing it that way...but a native speaker would Never pronounce it like that. Gah. That pisses me off. Also, in the movie the president and company are at a football game in downtown Baltimore...so, where the hell are the Ravens? What the hell? I'm not a football fan or anything, but damn. They could've put a little more effort into making it seem like Baltimore considering they decided to blow the crap out of it in the movie. Yeah, and I was disappointed with the explosion too. It's not every day you see your home city blown apart by a nuke. Geez....what the hell am I saying? I'm really morbid. ^^;;; Yeah, so that movie was kind of a disappointment. Affleck was ok in it, I suppose. Morgan Freeman was excellent...but then, isn't he always? My parents were very into it, though. Towards the end they kept going 'Wait til the very end, it's the best part. Wait for it...wait for it....There! Wasn't that GREAT!!!' I was like, 'Ok. I'm just going on the record here and saying that you guys are complete dorks.' XD

serena was here @ 11:48 PM



1/05/2003

Kagura pic. I actually started out drawing Tooru, but the more I messed with it the more I decided it looked like Kagura...go figure. I did all the coloring with markers and then messed around with it in photoshop...which kinda hides the fact that I colored it with markers. Oh well. I was bored.

I'm so dissatisfied with my artwork lately. I was looking back over some of my old sketches and drawings and I think I've actually gotten worse, if that's possible. I blame it on the fact that I don't practice at all anymore. Therefore my new year's resolution will be to practice, practice, practice.

serena was here @ 6:12 PM



1/02/2003

Thought I'd drop a post real quick before I run to work.

I know it's late but, Happy New Year everyone. Let's make this year a good one! ^_^

Starting afresh with my 'puter. I'm going to be the glass is half full person and say that things have actually worked out for the best. My computer is actually running better now that there's not so much junk on it. ^_^ Now all I have to do is finish reinstalling everything....lol.

*runs off to work*

serena was here @ 12:07 PM



1/31/2003

*currently jamming with Def Leppard*

I love eighties music. XD

What happens when I get really silly:

GherinQuad: Are you still silly?
SerenaB4: hmm. yeah.
SerenaB4: squuuuuuueeeeeeeeeee
GherinQuad: Yay!
GherinQuad: squuuueeee! squee!
SerenaB4: i was checkin out the otakon page to see if there was anything new yet
GherinQuad: Hehe. Can't wait huh? Oh yeah, that's what I wanted to talk about. We need to be better organized this year. We need to set a definite time and place to meet and whatnot.
SerenaB4: i hope they have really cool geusts and all!
SerenaB4: yeah...jason and i booked a room.
SerenaB4: weee.
SerenaB4: so excited.
GherinQuad: Wow! That kicks ass.
SerenaB4: too bad its not for...like...6 or 7 mos. lol
SerenaB4: yeah, i know. i hope it's ok cuz i booked it through hotels.com ...not directly through the hotel.
GherinQuad: Damn. I was all excited too. Last weekend me and Darryl were going over the pictures from last year.
SerenaB4: ^_^
SerenaB4: i want to do pics and not the camera.
GherinQuad: Many many beautiful scantily clad ladies. Oh yeah!
SerenaB4: pics are more fun
SerenaB4: *shakes head* well, at least you are a healthy male. ^_^
GherinQuad: And then the pics from when we went to hooters. We got a table right next to the area where they pick up the food. And what's this? One of them dropped something and has to bend over to pick it up? *drool*
SerenaB4: *cackles*
SerenaB4: you are too much.
SerenaB4: ^_^
GherinQuad: And then in the middle of them, for some reason unknown to us, we have a picture of a cup of beans.
SerenaB4: that sounds like you guys.
SerenaB4: XD
GherinQuad: Even when distracted by the hooters girls we can still be goofy. Our nerd powers are strong indeed.
SerenaB4: ah yes. the force is strong with you, my friend.
GherinQuad: But our nerd barrier has really got to go.
SerenaB4: you guys are like those guys on that commercial...with the nerds at the party and the hot chicks....and they turn on the star trek...hehehhehe
SerenaB4: yeah, i agreee.
GherinQuad: If only there was a way to keep the goofy nerd powers yet remove the nerd barrier...
GherinQuad: Yeah, but we'd probably turn on the Simpsons instead.
SerenaB4: yeah, thats true.
GherinQuad: Well, before we go to the movies this Saturday I'm doing some sit-ups for the hot chicks.
SerenaB4: well...you need to do the sit ups more than just once for them to be effective.
GherinQuad: DAMN!!!!! I knew there was a flaw in my plan!
SerenaB4: yup.
SerenaB4: leave it to me to point it out.
SerenaB4: cuz that's what i do best, squee.
GherinQuad: Screw it then. The hot chicks will just have to miss out.
SerenaB4: yeah, screw the hot chicks.....er.....i didn't mean that the way it sounded.
GherinQuad: You didn't? Damn you then.
SerenaB4: *halo*
GherinQuad: Yeah right.
SerenaB4: i'm as pure as freshly fallen snow. an angel. yup.
GherinQuad: Uh huh.
SerenaB4: i am dammit.
GherinQuad: I don't think so.
SerenaB4: oh, and why not?
GherinQuad: Because you are mischevious.
SerenaB4: i am pure. innocence embodied!
GherinQuad: Hahahahaha!
SerenaB4: thats MISS Chivious to you dammit.
SerenaB4: what was that laughing for?
SerenaB4: are you mocking me?
GherinQuad: Innocence embodied indeed.
SerenaB4: *bites leg* grrrrrr! rawrrrrrr!
GherinQuad: Now you really are crazy.
GherinQuad: Delerious.
SerenaB4: yuppers.
SerenaB4: sqee?
GherinQuad: SQUEEEEEEEEE! Ow! My leg!
SerenaB4: hahahaha....delayed reaction.
SerenaB4: raaaaaawwwwr!
GherinQuad: You're scary.
SerenaB4: yes, i know. ph33r.
SerenaB4: rawwwr!
SerenaB4: mew.
GherinQuad: Awwwwwwww.
SerenaB4: ah, well, maybe it's time i went to bed.
GherinQuad: Yeah, same here. I'm tired all day then I wake up at around 10pm. I'm just a night person, I guess.
SerenaB4: yeah.
SerenaB4: talk to ya later.
GherinQuad: Goodnight.
SerenaB4: night~

Ah, I do love my life sometimes. Of course, I'm in an unusually good mood right now so.... Hmm. Maybe I *am* manic depressive. After at least a month of being depressed my good mood has finally returned. *celebrates*

Yay, Digital Underground.....squeeeeeeeee!

Oh, and Richard. Road trip!!!! Remember Cedar Point???? We have to go there! Big Costers! Yay! Greg has a minivan now so travelling will be all comfy and stuff....of course that means we have to ride with Greg....*is scared* I'm more afraid of the thought of riding with Greg than the thought of getting on the big coasters. ^^;;;

Yay! *sings* Roooaad Trip~~~~~ Sometime this Spring/Summer~

*skips off to la la land*

serena was here @ 12:55 PM

part of the Inuyasha marathon

info:

alias: serena
aim: serenab4
email: here
site: simplicity
fic: fanfic.net
fic blog: unicorn blues
also blogs at: sml


layout:

This layout features Inuyasha, the (currently slightly grouchy) character from the series of the same name. Fonts are Velvet and Redensek, brushes are from Nocturna and Brushy. This layout was coded by Sophie for the Inuyasha marathon.


Inuyasha blog marathon:

eve


reads:

~absinthe
~aiteal
~colloquial
~eastphoenix
~ethereal melody
~lucid dreaming
~omnikartera whamasu
~shameless name dropping
~sketched
~starcast
~stream of conscious
~w n p?


visits:
~in passing...


fave comics:

~never knew
~utukki
~fate martyr sapheire


fun:

~best english ever
~mr. t vs escaflowne
~fly the copter


weirdness:

~zombo.com
~jesus.com
~legodeath


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